The Art of Mastering my Depression

     By nature I am a really happy person. I enjoy smiling and helping others smile. It fills my cup to see others happy or finding joy. I will even at times go so far as to embarrass myself for the joy of others. I remember one specific instance right after Lexi and I got married. We were down around Utah Lake just enjoying a quick walk during our lunch breaks. It was a really nice and hot day, and we were walking along the biking path when we stumbled upon a squashed grasshopper. I blame my upbringing for the following stupid action. If you know my family at all we have a great history of just doing stupid stuff, and most times it really has no benefit to us in any way.

    I'm sure you can see the writing on the wall already, but I turned and looked at Lexi and said, "What will you give me if I eat this Grasshopper?" She shot back quickly with, "Absolutely NOTHING!" Cool, good enough reason for me to do it. So... I peeled the Grasshopper off the bike path, and held it above my head preparing to scarf it down real quick. Lexi pulled out her phone to record it and I was ready. A Legendary moment that would live on forever in my mind. I threw the grasshopper in my mouth and started chewing. To my surprise it was absolutely disgusting, and the worst part about it, was the crunchiness. The squished grasshopper had probably been baking in the sun for hours, so when I threw it in my mouth it was nice and crunchy. Still thinking it would win me big points with Lexi I tried to swallow it, but the legs got stuck as I tried to swallow and at that point it was just too much for my body to handle. I ran to the edge of the bike path and threw up the grasshopper and then some. 

    In disbelief I turned around and started laughing at the absolute stupidness that just went down. Here is the worst part though. Lexi was laughing too, which made me happy, but I asked her if she would at least reward me with a kiss for my heroic act and making her laugh. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" was her response and I was a little surprised. Not only did I just throw up everywhere Infront of her, but I looked like a total idiot in the process AND robbed myself of a kiss. Anyways, back to why I'm writing this blog today. I was just trying to brag about the lengths that I will go sometimes just to make people laugh. 

    Recently, I have found myself doing those things when I am at my lowest. I just put a smile on my face, act stupid, and it usually does the trick. Then when people ask me how I am still so happy amidst all our adversities I just smile and jokingly say, "I've just mastered my depression". Sometimes people laugh and other times people don't say anything. I mean what can you really say to that.

    The honest truth is that I am actually very very far from having my "Depression" mastered at all. And I don't even think it's depression as much as it is just the fact that I have seen and experienced so many scary and traumatizing things with my own treatment and watching Lexi go through all the crazy things she experiences daily that my mind is just a little broken. I think that's called PTSD haha, but I mean it's fine. We keep plugging away. The point is, that I finally got to a point during all of these trials where I just shut off my emotions. I did what I needed to do to get by everyday, and make sure everyone around me was taken care of. I think I did it just in order to survive daily and also to run away from the emotions I was feeling. The Day I was told Lexi wouldn't make it out of the hospital in St. George alive I went to a bit of a dark place. And I stayed in that dark place for a long time. 

    I still kept functioning everyday but really hadn't processed or understood what my heart and my mind were feeling. There was a large hill outside of the hospital that I would run up and sit at the top of just staring at the hospital. I could see Lexi's window from where I sat, so I would just sit there and stare at her window as my mind wandered into the unknown. I remember feeling like I was completely prepared for what was to come, but completely terrified. I cried in my spot numerous times, and would just sit there and take the scene in. The reality of the situation was that I was nowhere close to being prepared. What I thought was me being prepared, was really just me completely shutting off all my emotions. Happiness, Sadness, Anger, Fear, Hope, Grief, etc. All just gone, and so I thought I could handle what was coming. What I didn't know at the time was that emotions aren't just like a switch. You can't turn them on one day and then off the next. So when Lexi pulled through again, I didn't know what to feel. I could not distinguish happiness or sadness. It was just more, "gotta stay alive and keep plugging away everyday."

    Here we are, just a little over a year later, and I am still working on turning those emotions back on. That whole process of shutting off my emotions really messed me up and I am not proud of it. Even in moments of joy I wasn't able to fully celebrate the joy of the moment, and in moments of sadness I wasn't able to embrace the sadness. I just always had a neutral approach to things. 

    The first emotion to come back to me was anger. Anger because I knew I wasn't feeling my emotions the way I should have. And I struggled for a long time to get past that anger phase because our everyday life at the time really wasn't fun, and I was blaming our situation for my reaction. I knew that I wasn't feeling my emotions appropriately so I made it a point to help make sure others got to feel their emotions appropriately. I found myself doing the same stupid stuff I did in the past, where I would be numb with my emotions, do the occasional stupid embarrassing thing with the hopes that others would find it funny, and try to fill my cup by seeing their emotions. Needless to say, that was not a very healthy process. 

    I finally feel like I am experiencing the full range of my emotions again, but like I said earlier, I am still working on turning them on all the way. This time around I am much more aware and conscious of my emotions and it has been a very healthy, healing process for me. After many failed attempts I finally found a wonderful therapist who is able to help me focus on personal reflection and growth. Because of this growth I am once again able to recognize moments of happiness and truly capitalize on them. In addition, I am also able to recognize moments of sadness, and as I start to feel that emotion I am aware of how I am reacting, what I am thinking, and how I can learn from that moment. I also know that therapy does not work for everyone. I had to go to 3-4 different therapists before I finally found a good match. I even had one therapist tell me, " I am sorry, but what you are going through and feeling is just too much for me to be able to help you." That was very defeating. Lucky for me I have the perfect fit now. 

    As I watch other people on their life journey, I recognize that most share the same goal I do. I like to call that goal the pursuit of happiness. Some find that pursuit easier than others. I know for myself it's been a bit difficult at times to stay the course and not give up. I felt like I was at that breaking point of just wanting to give up a year ago. What I have personally found, is that giving up is not worth it. Just the thought of giving up on happiness made me sick. I knew there was joy out there just waiting for me to find it, grab it, and then hold on to it. I understand it can be hard to see that in the middle of a storm, but sometimes we just have to have the faith that God will help us through. He has not failed me yet, so I will keep pushing forward through the storm. One thing I have already learned in my early journey is that the small moments along the way need to be enjoyed as well. Not just the thought of the end destination, but the opportunities in between are just as vital to finding happiness. 

    I don't know what happiness at its fullest looks like, but I hope to one day figure it out. I don't even know that anyone has ever found complete happiness, so maybe the focus just needs to be on the journey all together. Either way, I am going to keep working on the mastery of my Depression, PTSD, Anger, or whatever else there is..... you get the point. What I do know though is that God is on my side during this journey, and with him by my side I will not fail. So I am just going to keep moving forward rain or shine, and continue to appreciate the opportunities for growth presented to me daily. 

(This is one of my favorite pictures if not my favorite picture of the two of us. This was just a few months after Lexi was placed on hospice, and it was genuinely one of the only moments where I really was smiling and was feeling some happiness.)  I share this picture because seeing myself then and reflecting back now no one would have known what we were going through just to survive the day by day. During this little photoshoot specifically we both look super happy, and we really were, but it was also super hard and stressful. We had Lexi in her Wheelchair and we also had her oxygen tank with her as well. We would get to a spot, she would take a big breath, and then we would lift her up and get a couple of pictures. We repeated that process over and over again. It was very humbling but also a very spiritual experience because I was able to recognize the pain and struggle Lexi was going through just for that little photoshoot. And I think that is why its my favorite picture. Because it was not easy to get these pictures done, but it was worth it and it was fun for the both of us. Now we have some amazing pictures that we get to hold on to forever :)